I Can’t Just “Get Over It”


Regardless as to whether your relationship was good, bad, or ugly, when it ends, no one ever feels good.  Not even the person doing the breaking up.

 

However, if you are the one who has been broken up with, it’s always harder on you.  You were still holding on, still believing it was worth fighting for, still seeing yourself as a pair rather than two separate individuals with no more emotional relevance to each other than that of strangers.

 

No, it’s not possible to “just get over it”.  And I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to.

 

It is ok to be sad.  It is ok to cry.  It is ok to feel lost.  Even to wallow a bit in it, getting really good and mucky with your unhappiness.

 

It’s normal.

 

However, there is something that you must do at some point, and the sooner you begin, the better.

 

You must initiate and sustain your own healing process.  Yes, it totally sucks that you have to fix what you didn’t break – your own heart.  But the reality is that no one is going to do it for you.

 

The path to healing your broken heart is never the same as the last time you traveled it.  Sometimes, the terrain changes – there’s a different reason why your relationship ended this time.  Sometimes, you speed down the road to recovery because it’s the same territory as the last time and you know how to navigate all the emotional twists and turns

 

Because of that, I can’t tell you exactly how to heal.  I can’t even tell you the fastest or the easiest way.  I’ve got some tips, though, that helped me when I was suffering just like you might be.

 

#1 Feel without Judgment

 

Does watching The Bachelorette make you want bawl your eyes out, even if, on a normal day, you think it’s one of the most idiotic and asinine tv shows?  Do you suddenly choke up when Foreigner’s “I Wanna Know What Love Is” plays on the radio while you are driving to work?

 

When a wave of melodramatic, melancholy emotion slams into you out of nowhere, don’t fight it.  Don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t feel like this.  Don’t tell yourself that it’s stupid or lame or that you should feel differently.  Just feel it out, without judgment.  Cry in your car, in Starbucks over your latte, at your desk at work, and don’t say one negative thing to yourself about it.

 

#2 Feel it and then Move On

 

This shouldn’t be confused with “getting over it”.  Rather, when you are feeling sad, let yourself be really really sad.  Listen to music you know is going to get the waterworks flowing (Sam Smith’s “Stay with Me”??).  Think about all the reasons you are sad that you aren’t together anymore.  And then, when the tears start to dry up a little, when you can’t just focus on that miserable feeling and other thoughts start coming into your head, gather yourself up and say “ok, that was my time to feel sad.  The rest of my time on this day is going to be devoted to the things that make me happy.“

 

When I did this in the past, I found that, eventually, I couldn’t sustain the crying as long, that I would start to get bored and thinking of other things until that sadness became just a twinge that I would feel every now and then.  And then one day, all of my time was spent on the things that made me happy.  ^_^

 

#3 Stop Trying to Understand

 

As much as you may not like to hear this, you really have to stop trying to understand why they broke up with you.  Feelings change; it happens.  Everything else is just the details.  Knowing in depth why they broke up with you won’t actually make you feel that much better (“Oh, I get it now!  I’m not as interesting or smart as you thought!”…yeah, no).  Unfortunately, acceptance is your friend here.  They don’t like or love you enough anymore to want to be with you.  That DOES NOT mean that no one else will; it just means that one person doesn’t.  Remember that.  He or she does not represent anyone other than themselves.

 

#4 Delete ALL of Their Contact Info (and Any Digital Communcations)

 

I’m not telling you to get rid of anything tangible that may have sentimental value in the future – his favorite hoodie that he gave you on your first date when you were cold, tickets to the first concert she took you to, pictures of you together, etc.  What you need to get rid of is the endless ways you can torture yourself with how they are doing now, if they’ve got a new boyfriend/girlfriend, how happy they look, etc.  You also need to rid yourself of another means of torture – old messages and emails that you can re-read for hours on end, remembering (aka crying over) the good ol’ days, looking for where it all went wrong.  Additionally, you need to remove the ability to cave into temptation and contact them.  DELETE THAT PHONE NUMBER.  The person who broke your heart can’t offer you the comfort you need – that’s like asking someone who violently stabbed you in the chest to also perform the surgery to fix it.  It doesn’t make any sense.

 

Like I said, there’s no cure and there’s no best way/fast way/easiest way to get over a breakup.  But, you can always do your part to start the healing process.

 

Start it now.

 

~Michelle

Fix Your Own Heart

 

 

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You made it this far – read something else!

 

How to Be the Friend who “Just Listens”


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2 thoughts on “I Can’t Just “Get Over It”

  • miromiro Post author

    For me, I just always felt better if I knew that I was taking some control emotionally when I really felt like I had none. And I do truly believe that not judging yourself for feeling bad is incredibly important – judging yourself for feeling bad just makes you feel bad, you know? That doesn’t seem to help.

  • Christine

    This was hard to read for me….especially since I’m getting over a recent break…as you know. But I really like your tips. And I am going to try them. Feeling the feels is the worst part of it. Feeling numb is just as bad. And still being in love with the person who broke your heart is worse than either one of those things. :( but I love this post, it may be my fave.