Love as Cause and Effect


 

 

 

Ok, let me be honest with you.  Writing this post has been a struggle.  Not because I didn’t want to write it.  Rather, this idea has floated around in my head for a while, but actually articulating it?  HAHAHAHAHAHA – the means escaped me for quite some time.  However, the struggle ends today!  Hallelujah, I finally did it!

 

Enjoy ^_^

 

I wrote in an earlier post (here) that “love is the cause of an infinite number of our actions and responses – they look at you in that way when you are having a bad day because they love you and the effect is that you feel better when that happens because you love them.”

 

I think it is understood that a similar look on that bad day can come from a friend or a family member or even a sympathetic stranger, but the love or general kindness that motivates them to do such and your response isn’t the same as the love you share with a significant other.  If it weren’t different, we wouldn’t bother so much with all this love stuff.

 

I also said that this shouldn’t be mistaken for the idea that someone can love you because you love them and vice versa.  Anyone who has ever been in love and been broken up with knows that it doesn’t matter how much you love them, if they aren’t feeling it, it’s not going to change.  Or anyone who’s been in the unfortunate position of having to let another know that their feelings are unrequited.

 

(hello personal experience T-T)

 

***INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE.  DO NOT SKIP THIS SIDE NOTE.  IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, PLEASE READ THIS.***

Please do not believe anything you read where someone is giving advice on “how to make him fall in love with you” or “how to make anyone fall in love with you” or the like.  In the bazillion I’ve read, I’ve found that these lists either are too specific to what the writer personally likes (see here) or are so generic as to basically say “be a good and interesting person” (see here).  Duh.  Others are just plain stupid (see here for the one that tells you what percent of the time you should spend staring at them – %75 apparently is where the magic happens).

 

Instead, read this post on finding love.

 

***SIDE NOTE END :D ***

 

So, exactly what do I mean by “Love as Cause and Effect” and what’s my point?

 

I told you this was complicated, lol.

 

When I tried to explain this point to my fiancé (“R”), I used the following example:

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Michelle:  Ok, so you know how you said you like to make coffee for me?

R: Yes

Michelle:  I am sure you are happy to make coffee for other people, right?  Not just me – like maybe your mom or sister or guests or whatnot?

R:  Yeah, you’re right.  I’d be glad to do it for them.

Michelle:  Does it feel different to do it for me than it does to do it for them?

R: Hmmm….yeah, it does.

Michelle:  Why?

R:  Because I love you…like, I love them, too, but it’s not the same.  Because I know you like it, so I like to do it for you.  It’s one way I can show you love.

Michelle: So…hmmmm…would it make sense to say…. you don’t make me coffee in an effort to make me love you and similarly, I don’t love you because you make coffee for me.  That the coffee making (and drinking :D) is an expression of love?

R: Yes, exactly. Yes.

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Love is motivating and flavoring our actions and our responses in regards to each other.  The only valid goal in regards to love is expression of said love.  To have a desired outcome of making someone love you or “winning their love” misunderstands the nature of love – that love simply is.

 

Don’t ask yourself how you can make someone love you.

Don’t try to convince yourself that you can love someone you don’t because they are nice or you are lonely or whatever.

 

Love will come, if it hasn’t already, and you’ll understand that all actions are an expression of love, not something done to get love or the reason you are loved.

 

How do you show love?  Leave a comment below!

 

~Michelle

 

Love is a catalyst, not a goal or an outcome.

 

Reading is good for you – do some more of it here!

 

Love and Music: “Style” by Taylor Swift

 

Love in the Present Moment

 


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One thought on “Love as Cause and Effect

  • Christine

    I like this post much better. It really spoke to me. And I loved the conversational example with your fiance. ^^ I’m guilty of trying to settle or make myself love someone or see qualities that aren’t there out of loneliness. Hate that. No more!! But it is tough doing your own thing and going about life without that special someone to share it with. I show love physically mostly…hugging, kissing, touching their hand, etc. And verbally, or I make them lunch before they go to work, soup when they’re sick. I try. Lol.