If you’ve been reading my blog, you may be familiar with the following side note from my prior post Love as Cause and Effect:
“Please do not believe anything you read where someone is giving advice on “how to make him fall in love with you” or “how to make anyone fall in love with you” or the like. In the bazillion I’ve read, I’ve found that these lists either are too specific to what the writer personally likes (see here) or are so generic as to basically say “be a good and interesting person” (see here). Duh. Others are just plain stupid (see here for the one that tells you what percent of the time you should spend staring at them – %75 apparently is where the magic happens).”
Today, I’d like to explain this very firm stance of mine and offer an alternative – the antithesis to the “make him/her/it/something fall in love with you”.
This desire to make someone fall in love with you is most strongly connected to the need a majority of human beings have – to be in a healthy, fulfilling, supportive, exciting, dynamic relationship with another person. To give and receive love. To do things filled with the spirit of a singular and profound love that is unlike anything you feel for others and from others.
Couple this with messages everywhere that we need to go out and get what we want, that we can indeed have anything we aspire to obtain. Then, add on top of that a belief that we have that we know what it is we want and we want it when we want it.
Not the greatest combination. I could wax philosophical on the adage “good things come to those who wait”, but honestly, even I’ve never found that a satisfying response to anything. And in terms of love, this also imparts a sense of helplessness. You start asking yourself “How long do I have to wait? Why do I seem to have to wait longer than others? When will my turn at happiness come?”
All of this makes us turn to lists with bullet points telling us to laugh more, be available but not, be more interesting, wear nice clothes, etc. Or even worse, you might stumble upon something like http://www.trueloveformula.com/ – the questions asked on the front page of this website seemed designed to make one feel semi-desperate or that there is something wrong with them that needs to be changed in order to get the man or woman they want.
(full disclosure: I never got past the first page because there is no way I’m willing to pay any amount for a product – even to review it – that I find upsetting and that seems to prey on people’s weaknesses and self-esteem issues)
What to do, then?
Go to any other blog and they’ll likely tell you’ve got to start learning how to love yourself first or that you have to go out to the right places and be more social and available to meet that right someone and to stop looking.
These are fabulous points. I totally agree – in fact, do them. It can’t hurt, right?
But I want you to add this to it: Forget trying to get him or her. Forget going out with a purpose to find him or her. Put all of your energies into becoming the MOST AWESOME VERSION OF YOURSELF. And do it FOR YOURSELF.
What does that version of yourself look like? I have no idea. You decide that – not me, not the tv, not the movies, not the books, the magazines, the music, your mom, dad, brother, sister, friends, kids. No one else knows but you.
Ooooh! Wait! I know! Everyone likes a list, right? That’s why they are freaking everywhere!
So I’m going to make my own!
How to Find Love
Well….hmmmm….that’s not a much of a list…..
I know you are wondering how this will help you find love.
A couple of things are at play here. If you concentrate on becoming as awesome as possible (for example, in my vision of my awesome self, I can speak multiple languages with some degree of competency), then your focus shifts. It shifts to your interests, to your skills, hobbies, desires, and whatnot. You become less worried about other people. You are living a full and interesting life.
And that is not dependent on the presence of a significant other. Goodbye, worries of seeming desperate! So long, fears of a lonely and uneventful life!
Continuing to seek fulfilment of this particular goal – awesomeness – will bring you joy that attracts other people. It will also organically put you in places and situations where you might find people who legitimately share your interests, thus increasing the odds that you’ll encounter the right person for you. You won’t be wasting time and energy on looking for someone, because you have more interesting things to do. If they come along, then they are more likely to fit in the spaces and places you have in your life than if you try to force someone into them.
Also, you aren’t spending time trying to define the type of person who is the best fit for you or right for you. It’s good to have general principles, such as they shouldn’t engage in or encourage destructive or illegal behavior, condone physical or emotional abuse, etc, but these should be obvious. And yes, you’ll know if a person isn’t right for you. We always do, but we try to ignore it because we want them to be right (see the post Stop Lying for more). On the other hand, the variations of people and their personalities and habits and beliefs are so vast that our imagination is too limited to figure out exactly the right combination of all of these until that right combination comes along.
And I’m pretty sure that person will be working on the most awesome version of themselves, as well – lucky them to have the awesome you and lucky you to have the awesome them! ^_^
When that happens, then you get Epic Love.
So then, focus on what you can and leave the rest to chance – and if you believe in it, fate.
Have you figured out what the most awesome version of yourself is? What does it look like? How has it changed over time? Leave a message below.
Put all of your energy into becoming the most awesome version of yourself.
Check out these posts for more!